Okay.  I haven't blogged since January, mostly because I don't have the time.  But I have got to sit down and get this out.  This is a different side of me than the online community has seen until now.  I am hopping mad.  I like to listen to National Public Radio on the way home from work because they cover a whole lot of different topics.  But the one thing I am sick of hearing is everyone and their grandmother griping about them airing a story that offended them.  Forgive me, but I was under the impression that the first amendment applied to everyone, not just the gay and minority communites.

So, hey, all you people who like to tiptoe around issues and be politically correct; this entry is for you.  Enjoy.  For the record, I am not gay.  I am straight.  I am proud to be straight.  I'm not so much "anti-gay" as I am "pro-straight",  however, having said that, I believe that homosexuality is a sin.  I'm also pro-life.  I think life happens at conception.  I think having an abortion is no different than ripping apart a newborn with a scalpel and a vaccum cleaner (which is how abortions are done).  I also think if everybody from every community, blacks AND whites, would stop teaching their kids about racism, racism would go away because their kids would grow up not realizing that there was anything different about anybody.  Racism will never go away as long as people keep bringing it up.  The more black people keep yelling "we're not inferior!" and white people keep yelling "we're not superior!" the more I get the feeling that they're just trying to convice themselves of something that, if they hadn't said anything, wouldn't have occurred to me in the first place.  Yes, education has its place, and to an extent, people need to know.  HOWEVER.  When a church full of old white people has to start singing hymns from India just so that they can say they are polictically correct, and globally consious, I think that idocy has reached a new high.  I guarentee that Black, Hispanic, and Indian churches are not singing Zoe Girl songs so that they can be more integrated.  Also for the record, I am a Christian.  I think what the Bible says is absolutely true, is the actual words that have come out of Gods' mouth, and should be studied and followed, regardless of what the vast majority of church-going Americans say.  I also think, just so I haven't missed offending anyone, that the vast majority of church-going Americans (from any church) have their heads up their butts. 

There.  I said it out loud, and on the web, for good measure.  I suppose that makes me a bigot, and the police will be on their way to arrest me for "Hate Crimes" any minute.  But hey, wait.  Since when am I not allowed to say what I think out loud?  Whoever is getting mad right now and wants to ream me out has every right to do so.  The First Amendmant says so.  But before you do, did anyone know I actually have friends who are gay?  I have had many friends in the past who were gay.  And they knew I thought what they did was wrong, too.  That didn't stop us from being friends.  I have no close friends who are black, but that's simply due to a lack of availability in my geography, rather than a segregated outlook on life, and there is one Indian girl who I consider to be a very good friend of mine.  I have close friends who, I am fairly certain, have had abortions.  In fact, one of my buddies and I can get into really heated disscussions about it.  But he's still a really good friend of mine.  "But, Joel, how does that work?  Isn't that a conflict of interests?!"  Only if both friends are small-minded enough to get offended at what the other one thinks.  How is my gay friend ever going to see Jesus if I am so busy telling him or her how offensive they are to me?  I actually brought a friend of mine to church one time who I knew was a witch.  Was she casting spells while she was in there?  No doubt.  But Jesus is stronger than that, and if He's not strong enough in your life to hold out against a teenage witch, you better dig in a little harder.  Where else is she going to hear about how much God loves her?  So many world-people think that if you are against the action, you are against the person.  So many church-people think that in order to be against the action, you need to be against the person.  Does anyone realize the power that a person has who refuses to get offended?!  Anyone in the world can say "I hate you", and the person who doesn't get offended can kind of shrug a little and say "well, okay, knock yourself out, but I still think you're pretty cool".  It takes a lot of energy to hate a person like that, and after a while, most people either decide it's not worth the effort and become your friend, or simply die out of sheer exhaustion. 

So that's my rant, and I am quite cooled off now, although I'm still shaking my head.  Our world is so sensitive and insecure.  People, grow a skin.  Really.  Stop whining when someone says something you don't like.  They are entitled to what they think.  And if you really want to change their mind, become their friend and live what you believe so that they can see it.  And if you don't want to take the time to really live what you believe, then shut up until you can. 

We have such an amazing Father.  He has been putting me through a real process of surrender in the last 6 months or so, revealing the truth of what is in my heart (what an ugly place!!!) and gently bringing me to the place where I have nothing anymore.  Of course, I have been quite ungracious and grumpy with this whole process; when I said I would give everything to Him, I really never realized quite how much everything really is.  I mean, it's EVERYTHING.  And that thing over there in the corner?  Yeah, it's that, too. 

So I have been quite angry and sullen for the last three weeks or so, not quite able to shake myself out of it, and really not sure why, until last night.  (For those of you who don't know, we have our church services on Saturday nights, just because you don't have to worry about how late the service is going because you don't have to run home to get lunch ready.  Our record is a twelve hour service; that was fun!)  We were worshipping, and a time of silence came over the service.  The Lord's presence was so heavy, the air was actually thicker, and yet I couldn't feel Him at all.  I was so angry and bitter.  And since I am the bass player on the worship team, I am up front where everyone can see me, so it's partly my resposability to help the body enter in.  So if I'm having a bad day, I have to set that aside and do what I need to do to help lead, which, increasingly, feels like hypocrisy to me. 

So here I am, angry and bitter and helping lead everyone else into His presence.  I closed my eyes in frustration, and suddenly I sensed a Figure moving around in front of the stage.  He looked at me and I felt Him say "If you come to Me, I will minister to you".  For a second I hesitated, not wanting to look dumb by abandoning my post, but then, still angry and frustrated, I put down my bass guitar and huffed off of the stage as quietly as I could and knelt down in front of where I had seen the figure.  Immediately, I felt the Lord's presence begin to flow over me, but it still wasn't hitting the deepest part of me where it hurt the most.  My anger and frustration began to grow. 

Then one of the girls in the body came forward, picked up a microphone, and began to talk about how she could smell the insence in the air, and she felt that we were being invited into the Most Holy Place, where the air was thick with the perfume of the Lord, and His Presence rested, and the High Priest (Jesus) wears beautiful robes with bells around the bottom of them, and right then I about choked, I was so angry, because suddenly I knew what I was angry about.  I sat there on the floor with gritted teeth and said "How can I come to You?  How can I come into Your Presence?!  I don't have any incense to put on your altar, I don't have any beautiful robes to wear, I don't have anything at all because everything I thought I had that was good You've taken away!  I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm sullen, I'm rebellious, I don't want to even be here right now!  How can I come into Your Presence when I don't have anything to give you?!"  And the answer came almost immediately "I never asked you to put incense on my altar.  I never asked you to wear a beautiful robe.  I never asked you to give me anything.  I just asked  you to come". 

In that moment, I think for the first time, I was given a realization of what it means that Jesus is enough, and that all my righteousness is filthy rags, and how beautiful both of those statments are.  I've been told my whole life that I should go into His Presence, go into His Presence, go into His Presence, go into His Presence, spend time with Him, set aside time with Him, etc, etc, etc.  I've been playing on various worship teams for about 12 years.  I've even taught on what worship is, and how to enter in.  But not until last night did I finally realize what it means to be invited into the secret place of the Most High completely and totally on Grace, not because I deserve it, but because Jesus made the way for me to do so, and because my Daddy wants me there.   And my anger, at least the anger from the last three months, is melting away.  Because how can I stay angry in the face of such incredible love?  Yes, I have been emotionally stripped, and I have nothing left inside of me.  But only in that condition can I really experience what it is to be close to my Father.